He kept tugging my heart

Really long recap of how jacked up I am sometimes ... hope it encourages someone. 

Squatting down to open our paint supplies bucket, I caught a glimpse of my messy self in the stand up mirror pushed into the corner. The Holy Spirit catches me off guard at times, speaking into my heart when I'm not even asking Him to speak. I'm thankful He is like that, invading my very being and speaking from the inside out. 

"You are beautiful like this." 

Squatted, staring into the mirror, I pondered His words, "like this." Like this, messy and unkempt? All natural, spontaneous, or unplanned? Maybe it was the unhurried state of my heart, the taking care of things that had been nagging at me, or just simply choosing one thing and doing it without the expectation of perfection. 

(Unsure I am of the fullness of His words, but sure I am of His deep well of grace and love over me.) 

My semi mental breakdown last week wasn't too messy for God to love be back into His fellowship. My quitting on Him and all those who love me unconditionally, my harsh words, my pity party, my complaining, my whining, blaming, accusing heart wasn't too much for Him to redeem. 

No matter how hard I tried to make His purposes line up with my rebellion, He kept tugging my heart from deep inside. "This is the path, walk in it." I didn't want to walk His "stupid" path, I was over doing good, done with outdoing one another in showing honor, fed up with serving, and determined to withhold encouragement. 

I was a wrecked mess with no internal peace and I chose to stay there knowing I was choosing misery, but not giving a rip. I made it my mission to quit all the good I know to do, just choosing sin over surrender. 

But God, in His relentless pursuit, called up two warrior friends, told them words of courage to share , they obeyed, and just like a flip of a switch, my heart melted into a puddle of surrender. 

How wide and deep is the love of Christ over us. I share all of this today with hope that you won't neglect sharing courage with those God whispers into your mind, you may be the one He uses to extinguish the lies someone is believing. You may be the one who gives strength to the weary, who reminds someone of their purposes, who keeps choosing to do good.